


Best Kept Secret

by Azalea_Blue



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bare!Au, Blood, First Kiss, Heavy Angst, Injury, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26312368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azalea_Blue/pseuds/Azalea_Blue
Summary: Simon and Baz get together in 5th year. Baz is ready for people to know about them, but Simon does not want it getting out at all. In act of rage, Simon goes a little too far, and everything ends in the worst way.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	Best Kept Secret

**Simon**

The first thing I notice is the blood. It’s everywhere. On his clothes, on the ground, dyeing the bright white snow deep red. I rush to his side. His arms are at his side. He isn’t even putting pressure on the wound anymore. I hold him as tight as I can and pray to whatever god there is that he’ll be okay.

**Two Years Earlier**

**Baz**

Simon and I are bickering about the window. I have no idea why he never seems to understand how cold it gets in here when he leaves it open in the dead of winter. I let myself steal a glance at his eyes. They’re always so determined when we get into an argument, but somethings different. There’s a little less fire, and a hint of something else. They still have the same beautiful, courageous shine, but something is off.

“Snow, is everything alright.” I sound softer than I want to, but I can’t help it. No matter how much pride I have, I cannot let the boy I’m so madly in love with be in pain.

“You wouldn’t get it. Just leave me alone!” He went to his bed.

“Look, I can just close the window and this can all me over.” I start to walk toward the window, but before I can Simon puts his lips on mine and nothing matters anymore. Suddenly I know, it will be forever him and I.

**Present Day:**

**Simon**

There are so many things I wish I could have told him. There are so many things I wish that I could change. I wish that I had let us live. I wish that I didn’t put everything before him. I just want one more hour with him to tell him how much I love him. To tell him that he’ll always mean the world to me. But now, he’s going limp in my arms. I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance. 

**Two Years Earlier**

**Baz**

It has been the best two days of my life. Simon and I are stealing glances at one another, sneaking into closets to make out, and coming back to our room to do whatever we want without the whole world watching.

I’m resting my head on his chest when I ask, “How do you think people will react? To the two of us together. It would certainly take the whole world for a spin.” 

“You should care Baz. Those people aren’t you, those people aren’t us. They don’t need to know.” I laugh into his shoulder. When did he get so eloquent?

“You’re right, so just a well kept secret?” I look up at him and he laughs.

“The best kept secret.” 

**Present Day**

**Simon**

I’m holding on to him as tight as I can. He’s still conscious, but barely. He’s always been strong, stronger than I’ll ever be, but I don’t think he’s this strong. He’s colder than I ever thought possible and white as the snow around us. I just hope that the ambulance will get here before it’s too late.

**One Year Earlier**

**Baz**

This has been so much more than I ever thought I deserved. Simon’s and my friend groups have combined into one. We all get along so well. Once we stopped arguing with each other all the time, our friends saw that they actually enjoy each other’s company. It’s strange how well it all fits, but I couldn’t ask for my thing more. Although, there is one thing.

“I want to tell Fiona about us.” I want the world to know, but if the mage ever found out he’d probably make Simon’s life a living hell. 

“Why? Why do we have to change anything? Is this not enough for you?” He’s getting standoffish. I knew this would happen. The mage has been forcing the two of us apart. My family has been as well. He’s scared. I can tell by the look in his eyes. 

“Of course it is, but I just would like her to know. You told Penny, didn’t you?”

He steps away from me. “Of course I told Penny, but I just… I don’t. It’s different, okay? I just… We need to figure this out okay? There’s too much going on. Let’s wait for our happily ever after.” 

“Okay.” I believe him, because I always will. Just one look in his eyes and I’m gone.

**Present Day**

**Simon**

I’m holding onto him so tightly my arms are starting to go numb. I don’t care. I just need him to be okay. I just need him to make it out alive. I don’t care what happens to me. I used a tracking spell to find him, but I don’t know any powerful enough healing spells. Even if I did, it would probably just make it worse.

“Simon?” He looks up. His voice is so weak. I couldn’t care less, I’m just so happy he’s awake.

“Yes, yes I’m here. I’ve got you, and I’m not letting go.” There are tears rolling down my face. I lean my forehead against his

“I guess I’m out then. The real Simon wouldn’t save me. The real Simon knows that he’ll always deserve better than me.” He says it like it’s a simple face, but his face is still sad. 

“No, no, no. Baz it’s me. It’s the real me. I love you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. Please just stay with me, everything is going to be okay. Please.” 

**Eight Months Earlier**

**Baz**

Simon has always been there for me. He’s worked to slay my demons, but at the cost of ignoring his own. I didn’t deserve that kind of love, and I’m shocked that I got it at all. I just hope that I can help him. He’s been very troubled recently. I don’t know how to talk to him about it. 

“Love, is everything alright?” He’s clearly flustered. 

“Yeah, it’s fine. I just wish that Agatha would stop staring at you.”

“You know that I don’t have eyes for her. I will only ever be yours remember.”

“I just wish that she’d pay more attention to me, considering we’re actually dating.” He mumbles that part under his breath. I very clearly was not meant to hear it.

“I’m sorry, what? I thought that we were together? I thought that we meant something?” I don’t understand. He’s just hurting her and I don’t think he understands.

“Look, it’s just so people get off my back about the whole dating thing. The chosen one needs a white picket fence right? She’s just part of what people think I want. You’re the one I actually see there though. We’ll get our happy ending.” He comforts me. I give in. I’ll always give in.

**Present Day**

**Simon**

Baz tries to sit up. He shouldn’t be moving, so I do my best to keep him in place. 

“Funny. I once thought that was the case. I know it’s not anymore. He deserves the life he wants, and I know I’m no longer a part of it. Some part of me always knew. He was too good for me anyways.” I’m not. I never was. He’s always been perfect. He figured himself out. I wasn't able to. I said so many things that he feared to be true, and he believed them again. I wish I hadn’t let my temper do the talking.

“You’re my happy ending. Please, please stay with me.” He is. He always will be. I don’t know how I ever thought otherwise. 

**Six Months Earlier**

**Baz**

“So you and Agatha are official now.” He walks toward his bed. 

“Look, just forget it.”

“How am I supposed to forget it? You can’t keep pretending to be something that you aren’t. Why can’t you just stand up for yourself, for me?”

“Who are you to go and blame this all on me? Just because you’ve found your way it can all work? Put away the fairy tales  _ Basilton. _ ” I was never one to believe in fairy tales, but to hear the most optimistic person say it makes my heart stop. To hear him say my name like that hurts more than I ever thought possible. I fall back onto my bed.

“So much for our happily ever after. I thought that we’d win; I trusted the hero.” I guess that I was never his.

“I’m sorry okay. I want you, you know that. Let’s just… keep this to ourselves okay. We can wait.” I stare into his eyes. He’s telling the truth, but it looks like he’s trying to convince himself of it too. He doesn’t believe it, but I let myself believe in him. 

**Present Day**

**Simon**

“I always loved the color of his eyes. Such an ordinary shade of blue and yet completely unique all on their own.” Of course he can speak so well when he’s bleeding out. He’s speaking like a fucking poet when he’s bleeding out in the middle of an ally in London.

“I’d give in. I’d let him tell me anything and I’d believe it. Just one look into his eyes and I thought everything would be okay. I should have known better. I should have realized that he would eventually understand that he deserved better than a monster like me.” He lets out a weak cough and leans a little more into me. He’s losing his strength as we speak. I have to keep him awake.

“That’s not true. I love you. I love you so much. I’m sorry for everything I said. Please just stay. Stay so that I can prove to you how wrong I was. Please don’t leave me.”

**One Month Earlier**

**Baz**

The argument goes how it always does. I don’t understand why he’s still with Agatha. He’s just going to hurt her.

“If you’re going to leave her in the end why keep her on the line? It’s just cruel to string her along for this.”

“Maybe it’s not. Maybe I’ve been stringing you along?”

“You don’t mean that.” 

“Who are you to tell you what I mean? This was fun, but we both knew this could never last.” 

“What do you mean? You said…” 

“I said lots of things.” He interrupts me. “I care about you. I really do. I can’t do this though. I can’t throw my future away for a boy that I dated in high school.”

“Is that all I am to you? A fling? A sex toy?” He looks at me.

“Did you really ever think that I was really going to run off with you? How would the word react if they saw me with you? A monster. You’re nothing more than that.” He’s telling the truth. I always thought it to be true, but I guess I really know now. If he can’t find it in his heart to truly love me, then who can? I ran out of the room. I run with no intention of turning back. 

**Simon**

I regretted saying it as soon as I did. I was just so angry at the whole situation. I wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t let myself have it. I tried so hard to not let myself have these moments, but I was selfish to keep him with me for as long as I could. Now, I’ve hurt him. I’ve hurt him a lot. He probably doesn’t want to see me right now. I’ll make this up to him, but I’ll wait until he can bear to see my face again. 

**Present Day**

**Baz**

The universe is playing games with me. I must have already blacked out. How did he find me? Why does he even care? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Thoughts are just pouring out of my mouth without any filter. Dream Simon is crying, begging me to stay. I’m already gone. This is the way it should always have been. No one will know. They’ll think I was killed. Stabbed in the wrong side of London going out on a walk. I’m one of the smartest mages of my generation so it was not very hard to fake a murder. No one will know how much of a coward I was. They won’t know that I escaped; they’ll just be happy I’m gone.

**Simon**

“I always wanted him, for as long as I can remember. I used to watch his smile, hoping that one day I could be the cause of it. I got everything that I ever wanted. I didn’t deserve it though. It’ll be okay. With me gone, he’ll get what he always wanted. He’ll get the ending he deserves, and I’ll get the one that I deserve.” He sounds so content. He speaks in such a way that shows that he completely accepts it. 

“No, no, none of that is true. You deserved it. You deserve happiness more than me. More than I ever will. Please stay. Stay with me. Please don’t leave like this. I don’t know what I’ll do without you.” I’m finally realizing the gravity of the situation. I’m pressing so hard onto what I can only assume is a stab wound and yet blood is still escaping as we speak. His eyes are starting to close. Once they close, I don’t think he’ll ever be able to open them again. He can’t lose this much blood. I want more than anything for him to take from me, but I know that he won’t.

“He fought so hard for me. He… he.. slayed my demons, but ignored his own. He was… was… my hero. It’s just that I… I wasn’t his.” He lets out a final sigh as his eyes close. I fall completely silent.  _ He can’t be gone, no please no.  _ That’s when I hear the sirens. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a really angsty Drabble that I wrote based off a fan fiction from another fandom. I’m considering continuing it depending on how you guys feel. Comments and Kudos make my day!


End file.
